future possibilities to find me

seven months it's been and what once felt like a raging adventure now seems to have turned back a notch. these days i feel more like i'm sitting rather than sprinting.there are days when i'm tried even though i got to sleep in till 7:30.
or i can't wait for shift to end, not because i actually have anything to do once i get home but i just want to crash down on my bed with some sticky rice and watch tv episodes online.
i get 'fat days' when i watch too much 'america's next top model' and i wonder why i can't find anything interesting to do. i've also had to really start making way for preparations for my future, which means i've had to really think about what i want that future to be. but somedays i'd rather just curl up in a ball, shut the door and say to hell with it.

but then alice, a girl who came from england [though in my opinion she must have come from somewhere much more magical because she is nothing but sparkle] who works part-time as a volunteer at Agape, wrote a note about her thoughts of her time here in thailand and at Agape. it was a cup of cool water that refreshed my heart and also served as a cold splash in the face to knock me off my horse named 'melancholy'.at a mere 18, alice has a better heart to the world that i can only pray to resemble. and much to the surprise of many, she only became a Christian about a month ago, yet she displays the love of God so plainly on her face it makes me want to hold on to her and soak it in.

alice's note talks about how amazing it is to give love to people, and how badly we all need and deserve it. her words hit me hard and made me realize that even though life feels a little slower, i can see the view better when i'm sitting down.

alice's wake up call...

then one day sarah came to visit Agape and work a shift with me for the first time. and while she eagerly bounced on the trampoline, sending kids up into the sky in her wake, one little boy cried out to me when he hurt himself. his little arms and tear stained face reached out to me as i scooped him up in my arms and held him close to my chest, trying my best to sooth his jumpy breath and cupping his face in my hand as i wiped his tears with my thumb. he settled down then just clinged to me and rested.

this little human holding on, his breathing still shaking so subtly and i thought about how odd that he actually wanted me to hold him. i've never had a close connection with this particular boy and i doubt he's ever favored me much yet i realized that even though we weren't very close, he still trusted me. he knew that i would help him, that i when i told him everything was ok, he could believe it.

after that shift i went home thinking about how amazing it is that i've been here long enough that these kids can actually trust me.

in a life where the face of their caretakers changes constantly, Agape kids have to deal with all these new people telling them 'trust me, respect me, love me' when they know these 'new people' will all leave eventually. growing up with two parents who see me through every aspect of my life, i can barely imagine how difficult this lifestyle of irregularity might be.

as a volunteer, i see first hand how this affects the kids. the little ones i work with lash out by hitting, spitting, sometimes biting me to see how i'll react. they want to test me till my last button is pushed, they want to see if i can handle it. while the bigger kids just close down, when a stranger walks into their lives they become reserved and to get them to talk to you, let alone acknowledge you can be a slow swim upstream.

so when a little boy finds solace in the form of my arms and a 9 year old girl named Maesa tells me i don't have to go home after work, that i can just sleep the night in bed with her, i feel honored and my heart soars.

the night Maesa tried to coax me into staying by her side,

i walked out to my bike and the nerves between my head and heart were frazzled. how can i come here for just 10 months. what is that but a blip in someone's life, in these children's lives, i've started this relationship and soon i will leave it. when i thought i really knew these kids a few months ago, i was sadly mistaken, i'd only scratched the surface. and now i've scratched just a little bit more and i can't even image the beauty of this picture in it's entirety.

however, even though part of me longs to be one of the constants in the lives of these kids, my heart calls me to other passions as well. for a few years now i've been trying to call myself a photographer or some kind of artist, though i'm not quite sure if there is any sort of measurement to determine either one. for the past few years i've also said i wanted to be a high school art teacher, to ignite the passion to create in others the way that my past teachers lit it for me. but now i'm hesitant, i look at the requirements in the course description at western for a B.A. in teaching and i find no more passion.

but art is still burning inside me and i want to let it consume me.

i want art to become a verb in my life.

so what if i studied art, and nothing else?

the idea looks rebellious on the road of practicality, my parent's voices of skepticism ringing in my ears. but despite that my whole being fills with anxious excitement at the idea of getting to study just the one thing i enjoy above all else. so i've started laying down the tracks for this change of direction, emailing school advisers, applying for prerequisites and getting my frame of mind ready again for homework and the all-nighters that are sure to come.

i love Agape and so far my time here has far blown out anything i've ever done. so maybe i can come back and make a real commitment to stay for a few years.

but right now i have different things on my plate waiting to be tasted and i'm hungry.

i guess i'll have to wait and see what the next dollop God heaps onto my plate will be. until then i will try to embrace the remaining of my days at Agape the way the little boy held on to me and trust the course of this train God is conducting.