around the next bend...

being here.

me in thailand.

lessons are to be learned around every corner, i just chose to learn some over here for awhile. i didn't come to thailand with many expectations as i didn't have any real clue as to what my life would look like here and also because i just didn't want any.

however the lessons i am learning are much different than what i expected to come across, let alone the way they go about looking for me.

as i wrote in a past entry, my motorbike was stolen. it was of no real fault of my own and after the police report was made there was nothing i could do about it. the ball was in God's court, or so i thought i left it there. i tried so hard, or at least i believed i was, to understand why my bike was stolen. it was a big investment that allowed me to have a life outside of the four walls of my house.

i contemplated the possible reasons for my 'punishment' thinking maybe i did something wrong, maybe i've steered away from the direction God wanted me to go. i knew there had to be lesson in this whole thing somewhere but the ones i thought i was learning just didn't seem quite right.

or i would just try to ignore the very thought of the situation all together.

but it's been over a month since the theft and even though i tried to put it behind me, the whole incident never left my thoughts for very long. there was something to be learned for sure, i just didn't know what for so long. but as i am now being reminded, God's timing doesn't always match up to our expectations and desires, He reveals things on his own schedule which is always on time.

and it was time for me to finally learn my lesson.

During the whole motorbike drama i always saw Go

d as apart from me, as though i was a victim of his wrath. but now i know better...

God was standing there next to me, waiting.

with his hand resting between my shoulder blades.

he sat there as i watched Esther give my report to the thai detective.

he was there as we walked up and down the same alley so many times in hopes that every turn around would shed some previously unseen light.

he was there waiting as i asked him for answers,

but he knew he had to wait till i was willing to hear them.

so while i was trying to be quiet and listen to God, he was talking.

the realization that i learned something was so sudden and unexpected, i didn't realize God even spoke, it was so subtle.

but i understood his lesson so easily it

felt unreal.

easy to understand yes, easy to adhere, not quite.

my lesson:

my mom will always say she wanted to raise her children to be independent and well, in my case she can say she reached her goal. i take my independence with fierce pride and i revel in it.

to a fault.

though i may think myself to be self sufficient, losing my motorbike taught me i am so very not.

in order to get around i had to depend on the generosity of others, namely sarah and amy who so graciously decided to share their two bikes between the three of us. i enjoy giving yet i have always found accepting generosity from others to be so difficult. i was brought up to believe that if there was something i wanted but couldn't afford it, then i must not need it.

but i'm realizing now that when i don't allow myself to accept things from people then i block myself from truly opening up to possible relationships because that means i'd have to rely on people, that means i'd have to be vulnerable.

which means in my head that i am no longer self-sufficient patricia.

being this so called 'independent' is not all it's cracked up to be. it can be lonely and isolating and can cause the heart to turn bitter when the 'i could have done that better if i did it myself' takes a stronghold amongst conceit and arrogance.

and most of all it stops me from truly relying on God. really truly relying on Him.

i do believe God gave me independent tendencies for good and they have served me well but now i see where they can and do hurt me.

God can give me strength to do anything, this i know for sure.

however, with out Him, i am nothing.

so i am learning what that means, to rely on God.

to bring myself to a whole new level of intimacy as i learn how to be vulnerable, to let go of my independence, and become dependent.

...i've got a lot of work to do.

slow to anger and rich in love

it's not summer.

but the walls are starting to warm up and i can no longer lean against them lest i wish to enjoy a shower of perspiration.

but today is clear, a cool breath is taking a walk through my house and i find myself still able to sit comfortably in my long pants.

life here, despite my recent trials, has been simply good. not having the same freedoms of mobility i once had the taste of has not left an entirely bitter void behind. these last few weeks have been a season of community in my house as four new volunteers have moved in with in the last month as others left for their home lands. it's surprising easy to avoid the people you live with by simply choosing to be quiet or be confining oneself to the four corners of a bed. yet an energy can't help but be felt when there are so many new souls to explore.

agape home is teaching me how to live up to it's name as i realize more and more how i'm falling deeply in love with the kids. my relationships with them have begun to feel more concrete as even the hardest upsets give me

hope. i look at their faces everyday and just marvel at what insanely bewitching little creatures they are.

working with children can have it's trying moments and learning how to deal with each new situation can be an interesting learning experience to say the least. being involved in a tantrum from the other side of the battle field makes me realize what a terror i was as a child and i constantly feel like i need to apologize to my parents for all they had to put up with. i cringe sometimes at the memories of my insubordination that resurface from time to time. dealing with disciplinary issues can be a touchy subject with people and that doesn't exclude agape home. except in this case there are 14 kids being raised by 50 mothers each with their own standards and ideas as to the best course of action. there have been days when i feel like i could kick puppies [sorry sarah] i was so frustrated. but even though at times i feel at a lose as to what i should do, there is one tiny little verse that keeps knocking at my door:

'the Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love' Psalms 145:8.

...then i remember that well hey, God is the ultimate example. easier said then done, duh.

but it does cut my tongue short when i want to raise my voice and it does remind me to let go and move on. it can be all too easy to hold grudges against a kid when they've pushed my buttons a little too far. but then i realize that even though i may be giving them the stink eye, they've completely forgotten about the whole incident because well, they're 4 years old and now they are sucking on a popped balloon.

all this and i can't help but love them.

plus i may or may not have taught the 5 year olds how to blow spit bubbles [i don't think the nannies appreciated that one].

another plus, my thai lessons are continuing make my jaw sore but little by little i have been able to see progress as i can actually understand maybe 1/5 of what the children as saying to me now.