future possibilities to find me

seven months it's been and what once felt like a raging adventure now seems to have turned back a notch. these days i feel more like i'm sitting rather than sprinting.there are days when i'm tried even though i got to sleep in till 7:30.
or i can't wait for shift to end, not because i actually have anything to do once i get home but i just want to crash down on my bed with some sticky rice and watch tv episodes online.
i get 'fat days' when i watch too much 'america's next top model' and i wonder why i can't find anything interesting to do. i've also had to really start making way for preparations for my future, which means i've had to really think about what i want that future to be. but somedays i'd rather just curl up in a ball, shut the door and say to hell with it.

but then alice, a girl who came from england [though in my opinion she must have come from somewhere much more magical because she is nothing but sparkle] who works part-time as a volunteer at Agape, wrote a note about her thoughts of her time here in thailand and at Agape. it was a cup of cool water that refreshed my heart and also served as a cold splash in the face to knock me off my horse named 'melancholy'.at a mere 18, alice has a better heart to the world that i can only pray to resemble. and much to the surprise of many, she only became a Christian about a month ago, yet she displays the love of God so plainly on her face it makes me want to hold on to her and soak it in.

alice's note talks about how amazing it is to give love to people, and how badly we all need and deserve it. her words hit me hard and made me realize that even though life feels a little slower, i can see the view better when i'm sitting down.

alice's wake up call...

then one day sarah came to visit Agape and work a shift with me for the first time. and while she eagerly bounced on the trampoline, sending kids up into the sky in her wake, one little boy cried out to me when he hurt himself. his little arms and tear stained face reached out to me as i scooped him up in my arms and held him close to my chest, trying my best to sooth his jumpy breath and cupping his face in my hand as i wiped his tears with my thumb. he settled down then just clinged to me and rested.

this little human holding on, his breathing still shaking so subtly and i thought about how odd that he actually wanted me to hold him. i've never had a close connection with this particular boy and i doubt he's ever favored me much yet i realized that even though we weren't very close, he still trusted me. he knew that i would help him, that i when i told him everything was ok, he could believe it.

after that shift i went home thinking about how amazing it is that i've been here long enough that these kids can actually trust me.

in a life where the face of their caretakers changes constantly, Agape kids have to deal with all these new people telling them 'trust me, respect me, love me' when they know these 'new people' will all leave eventually. growing up with two parents who see me through every aspect of my life, i can barely imagine how difficult this lifestyle of irregularity might be.

as a volunteer, i see first hand how this affects the kids. the little ones i work with lash out by hitting, spitting, sometimes biting me to see how i'll react. they want to test me till my last button is pushed, they want to see if i can handle it. while the bigger kids just close down, when a stranger walks into their lives they become reserved and to get them to talk to you, let alone acknowledge you can be a slow swim upstream.

so when a little boy finds solace in the form of my arms and a 9 year old girl named Maesa tells me i don't have to go home after work, that i can just sleep the night in bed with her, i feel honored and my heart soars.

the night Maesa tried to coax me into staying by her side,

i walked out to my bike and the nerves between my head and heart were frazzled. how can i come here for just 10 months. what is that but a blip in someone's life, in these children's lives, i've started this relationship and soon i will leave it. when i thought i really knew these kids a few months ago, i was sadly mistaken, i'd only scratched the surface. and now i've scratched just a little bit more and i can't even image the beauty of this picture in it's entirety.

however, even though part of me longs to be one of the constants in the lives of these kids, my heart calls me to other passions as well. for a few years now i've been trying to call myself a photographer or some kind of artist, though i'm not quite sure if there is any sort of measurement to determine either one. for the past few years i've also said i wanted to be a high school art teacher, to ignite the passion to create in others the way that my past teachers lit it for me. but now i'm hesitant, i look at the requirements in the course description at western for a B.A. in teaching and i find no more passion.

but art is still burning inside me and i want to let it consume me.

i want art to become a verb in my life.

so what if i studied art, and nothing else?

the idea looks rebellious on the road of practicality, my parent's voices of skepticism ringing in my ears. but despite that my whole being fills with anxious excitement at the idea of getting to study just the one thing i enjoy above all else. so i've started laying down the tracks for this change of direction, emailing school advisers, applying for prerequisites and getting my frame of mind ready again for homework and the all-nighters that are sure to come.

i love Agape and so far my time here has far blown out anything i've ever done. so maybe i can come back and make a real commitment to stay for a few years.

but right now i have different things on my plate waiting to be tasted and i'm hungry.

i guess i'll have to wait and see what the next dollop God heaps onto my plate will be. until then i will try to embrace the remaining of my days at Agape the way the little boy held on to me and trust the course of this train God is conducting.

some new beginnings

i walk into my room tonight and i can't help but notice that our whole room carries the musky aroma of sweat. lounging in puddles of my own perspiration isn't exactly my idea of swimming yet it's unavoidable.
thailand is on the verge of a heat wave as may has proven to be hotter than april which is usually the hottest month of the year. so we all rush to find solace in air conditioned rooms, sipping cha yen [thai iced tea] and daring to take the occasional dip in the pool.

May brings the end of summer break and at Agape we celebrate the coming of a new school year with new shoes and the mending of last year's school uniforms at an attempt at making them last as long as possible. we ask the kids if they're excited to go back to school and with shaking heads they pout and say 'mai sanuk' [not happy], which means they've had a good break, we volunteers have played our part well.

and for a final hoorah before backpacks are once again seen strewn about the front patio we held a carnival for the big kids. with painted wooden boards depicting monkeys eating bananas, kids threw bean bags through holes or darts at balloons to win prize tickets to later be traded for toy cars and jump ropes at the 'store'. with pride i manned the toilet toss. kids had four rolls of toilet paper and four chances to land those paper missiles into an old toilet, a feat surprisingly more difficult than what the eye first assumes. we lucked out, it was a cloudy day but each one of us were melting beneath drips of sweat as we chugged water like frat boys and cheap beer. i looked down at one point and noticed that lines of sweat were even dripping down from my knees, i didn't even know my knees could sweat.

on the first day of school i was knocked down by too much ridiculous cuteness as our preschoolers got to wear uniforms for the first time. they walked around showing off their new shiny shoes and telling us they were 'nakrian' [students] with grins full of self-accomplishment. they were just like their older brothers and sisters even though they don't leave on the big blue bus every morning to the far off land known as public school. the 20 yards from their bedroom to the Agape home school building is far enough for now.

not only is this a time of transition for our kids, but my own house and the general group of acquaintances i've built up is changing as well. the end of the month beckons kelsey and christina to their respective homes and countries. both have been here for roughly the same time, one coming before christmas, one shortly after. their voices play a major part in the chorus of laughter and sighs ringing through out our house, kelsey with her love for uncomplicated movie plots and fear of cockroaches, christina with her ridiculous accidents and questions we all laugh at. I will miss them both.
along with them will go various missionaries/teachers/super heroes that i've had brief yet privileged chance to meet, it seems to be high season for people to home and start a different and new adventure. i'm going to need to start making new acquaintances soon or else i might get bored with sarah and amy, they are kind of lame [NOT]. however i do look forward to the new wave of faces that are sure to come each in their own timing.

soon enough i'll be one of the faces fading out of the chiang mai world. strange.

a long time coming

bamii geo and the thai version of an otterpop occupy my two hands as i settle onto my bed to do some 'work' before i can justify calling it quits and hitting the light.

i've noticed the scares from my two motorbike burns, also know as 'bangkok tattoos', are barely noticeable as a tan slowly creeps across my skin, yet the scar from rock climbing last summer still blinks white right below my knee. it's summer in full bloom here, not that it hasn't felt like summer since i got here, but now even the school year is done and the children are running amuck in the streets of chiang mai.

I realize it's been quite a long time since i last made a post and with so many things going on around me, it can be hard to pick and choose what to write about. plus my camera is in a repair shop so there won't be any photos for a little while.

so where to begin, hmm...

well in the early stages of march my parents decided to be quite generous and give me money so i could buy another motorbike. SO AWESOME.

so me and my little purple yamaha mio can now be seen zipping through the streets of chiang mai on a daily basis. i really can't express my thankfulness, living in chiang mai for any long period of time almost requires a motorbike to get around. amy was allowing me to borrow her bike and as i learned to accept her generosity, i never felt fully comfortable knowing it wasn't mine. even though sarah and amy do go just about everywhere together, i knew she was giving up some of her own independence so that i could have some. and for that i am incredibly grateful.

now sarah, amy, me and our friend shanna all have the same bike, each a different color. we're like a pastel biker gang. along with our big helmets we've been told we also closely resemble the power puff girls. however there were only 3 of them so we're adding the obscure cousin who just came back into town to make it legit.

as i have been here for six months, i am now allowed to work with the middle age group of kids once a week. there are about 35 in this age group ranging from about 6 years old to 14. until now i haven't had much connection with these kids as i am always preoccupied with the little kids. i would pass by them on the stairs, see them playing in the front patio as if they were strangers. but now i know almost all of them by name and getting to spend time with them has really made my time at Agape feel fuller, i am no longer a stranger to anyone.

the hot season is officially here and oh my god, i think i sweat more than i breath. my roommates and i finally bit the bullet and turned on our air conditioning for the first time this last week and boy howdy it's a beautiful thing. the cool tile floor under my feet make it worth it alone.

Easter came quickly upon me, and left just a fast. it felt strange to not be at home with my family. my sisters and i trying to persuade my mom to make us easter baskets one last time, or going to church all together with brand new easter dresses and my dad smelling like old spice aftershave. being here where the festivities were few and felt foreign, i missed my family.

not to say i didn't have a fun if not interesting holiday.

at Agape the children dyed over 1,000 eggs bright and wonderful colors. we had our massive egg hunt during the warm hours of the early morning on good friday. the other volunteers and i worked hard hiding the eggs the best we could being told the big kids were really good at finding them. then we watched in amazement as the children booked it across the Agape grounds, discovering the colorful gems with sweaty grins of triumph gracing their faces.

I went to a sunrise service with my church that did a joint service with a thai church in the cool air of a chiang mai morning along the mae ping river. the service was interesting with each sentence being interpreted into thai or english and an operatic thai singing over the loud speaker for every hymn. the service was followed by a legitimate parade, complete with a thai high school marching band playing those all time classic songs like 'labamba' and 'play that funky music white boy'. amy, shanna and i tried to skirt out early but amy was spotted by her supervisor who ushered us into the mass and there was no turning back. we walked for almost an hour in shoes not meant for such an excursion while awoken thais' peeped out their windows and watched us walk by.

that afternoon we went to a dinner at a friends house that amy and i couldn't help but feel like awkward intruders because we hadn't actually been invited. but to amend our predicament, we brought the better of the two mashed potatoes and chocolate chip cookie dough truffles. plus i managed to utilize my cooking skills by being the only one there who knew how to make a good gravy. my mom and victoria would be so proud. despite the initial awkwardness, the dinner was full of good food and conversation and we actually got to eat lamb along side glasses of wine.

i have now succeed in my second trip to laos for my visa run. i felt a lot more comfortable this time, knowing what to expect and going with the ebb and flow of travel. this trip however did have unexpected obstacles which gave my heart a run for it money, but i knew God was there and that in the end i would be ok. which i was. even after i accepted a free ride from a random indian man when i got back across the border...[funny story there, you can ask me about it later].

this last week was the thai new year called songkran. it is literally a country wide no mercy water fight that lasts for three days and i just happen to live in the epicenter of this amazing festival. thousands of thais and tourists flock to chiang mai because the moat that surrounds the city creates the best setting for a never ending supply of water with which to chuck into the faces of people. i went into the city the first two days sitting in the back of a truck with some of the older Agape girls equipped with two huge drums of water, squirt guns and buckets and lots of excitement. both days we spent 4 hours driving inch by inch along the packed moat soaking anyone with in throwing distance. as a farang [westerner], i was definitely whaled on the most by the thais playing 'spot the farang' [which, i'll admit, i played too]. everyone wore bright flower patterned or tye-dye shirts and some people even dye their hair bright colors.

it was so much fun yet so incredibly exhausting, my hands ached from constantly pumping my water gun. in fact my hold body ached.

there is no way there could ever be anything like songkran in america, it would get way too out of hand.

for a little while i was constantly thinking of the future, what i'd be doing after i left thailand and making plans in my head. i am excited for what the next year will bring but at the same time i felt that if thailand was my boyfriend then i was cheating on him considerably by thinking of home so much. i do love being here in thailand and i want to enjoy it to the fullest with out using my concentration on thoughts of the future. however at the same time there are things i need to prepare for such as applying to school for winter term.

thanks to thailand i am learning that it's ok to make plans for the future however i always have to keep in mind that things change and i have to be open to them. i look forward to home as much as i look forward to my shift with the big kids today, with excitement.

well this is long update and hopefully i won't be so long in my next one, maybe by then i'll have pictures to share.

life goes on here in chiang mai

[watching the sunrise]

it's a simple morning.

i'm sitting on my bed eating cinnamon sugar toast and watching the ebb and flow of my green curtains as a soft wind circulates throughout my room.

life moving further out and further in.

i'm finding joy in the routine of my everyday.

every morning i wake up and am reminded that 5:30 am is the best part of the day to lay in bed.

the room is still, cool and beautifully quiet.

but it doesn't last long before my roommates and i roll out of our beds and stumble out to our bikes for the morning ride.

we all slowly meander into the volunteer room and crash on the couches for the brief moment where our bodies make a jump start from tried to tried but faking it.

each new day and each new shift is so entirely different from the last one, we always recap and recuperate between each one with the all-knowing nods and laughter. there are seven of us volunteers at the moment, alice, rachel, kelsey, donna, christina, sarah and myself. if nothing else there is one universal bond

between us, we all came here to thailand and to work at Agape Home.

and we laugh, a lot.

each day we have a 6ish hour break between shifts while the kids are in school. i use this time to sleep, study thai, talk to people from home and other generally lazy activities, and usually in that order.

evening shift is from 4 to 7 and the bike ride home always acts like an unavoidable obstacle course as we keep our heads down in a vain effort to protect ourselves from the hundreds of bugs flying in the air and pelting us on our bikes. having some little creature land in my eye is almost a daily occurrence [and for some reason it always seems to be my right eye...].

my roommates and i divide and conquer for our dinners, dispersing to our favorite market stands and returning home with styrofoam boxes and plastic bags [here almost everything is a bag then put in another bag, it's not uncommon to see someone even drinking something out of a bag].

we park ourselves at the table or in front of the tv to laugh or commiserate about our day while pirated dvds play in the background. then one by one we go off and do our own thing, be it reading a book or just checking facebook before we all slowly go to sleep with our fans blowing over us.

my days off are almost always spent in town with sarah and amy, sitting in coffee shops or going on some adventure on our motorbikes and finding

ourselves lost, again.

some days feel slow and monotonous, others are gone before i realize once again i'm waking up at 5:30. the idea of a daily routine always seemed so boring to me but having one here makes me feel more lived in and makes the whole 'living in thailand' thing seem normal and comforting. i no longer feel like i'm just visiting. i may be a farang [a westerner] and there is nothing that will change my appearance that would make me fit in more with the dark skinned, black hair, black eyes, and not to mention short thai people.

but i belong here nonetheless.

[sunset over doi suket and the rice fields]

around the next bend...

being here.

me in thailand.

lessons are to be learned around every corner, i just chose to learn some over here for awhile. i didn't come to thailand with many expectations as i didn't have any real clue as to what my life would look like here and also because i just didn't want any.

however the lessons i am learning are much different than what i expected to come across, let alone the way they go about looking for me.

as i wrote in a past entry, my motorbike was stolen. it was of no real fault of my own and after the police report was made there was nothing i could do about it. the ball was in God's court, or so i thought i left it there. i tried so hard, or at least i believed i was, to understand why my bike was stolen. it was a big investment that allowed me to have a life outside of the four walls of my house.

i contemplated the possible reasons for my 'punishment' thinking maybe i did something wrong, maybe i've steered away from the direction God wanted me to go. i knew there had to be lesson in this whole thing somewhere but the ones i thought i was learning just didn't seem quite right.

or i would just try to ignore the very thought of the situation all together.

but it's been over a month since the theft and even though i tried to put it behind me, the whole incident never left my thoughts for very long. there was something to be learned for sure, i just didn't know what for so long. but as i am now being reminded, God's timing doesn't always match up to our expectations and desires, He reveals things on his own schedule which is always on time.

and it was time for me to finally learn my lesson.

During the whole motorbike drama i always saw Go

d as apart from me, as though i was a victim of his wrath. but now i know better...

God was standing there next to me, waiting.

with his hand resting between my shoulder blades.

he sat there as i watched Esther give my report to the thai detective.

he was there as we walked up and down the same alley so many times in hopes that every turn around would shed some previously unseen light.

he was there waiting as i asked him for answers,

but he knew he had to wait till i was willing to hear them.

so while i was trying to be quiet and listen to God, he was talking.

the realization that i learned something was so sudden and unexpected, i didn't realize God even spoke, it was so subtle.

but i understood his lesson so easily it

felt unreal.

easy to understand yes, easy to adhere, not quite.

my lesson:

my mom will always say she wanted to raise her children to be independent and well, in my case she can say she reached her goal. i take my independence with fierce pride and i revel in it.

to a fault.

though i may think myself to be self sufficient, losing my motorbike taught me i am so very not.

in order to get around i had to depend on the generosity of others, namely sarah and amy who so graciously decided to share their two bikes between the three of us. i enjoy giving yet i have always found accepting generosity from others to be so difficult. i was brought up to believe that if there was something i wanted but couldn't afford it, then i must not need it.

but i'm realizing now that when i don't allow myself to accept things from people then i block myself from truly opening up to possible relationships because that means i'd have to rely on people, that means i'd have to be vulnerable.

which means in my head that i am no longer self-sufficient patricia.

being this so called 'independent' is not all it's cracked up to be. it can be lonely and isolating and can cause the heart to turn bitter when the 'i could have done that better if i did it myself' takes a stronghold amongst conceit and arrogance.

and most of all it stops me from truly relying on God. really truly relying on Him.

i do believe God gave me independent tendencies for good and they have served me well but now i see where they can and do hurt me.

God can give me strength to do anything, this i know for sure.

however, with out Him, i am nothing.

so i am learning what that means, to rely on God.

to bring myself to a whole new level of intimacy as i learn how to be vulnerable, to let go of my independence, and become dependent.

...i've got a lot of work to do.

slow to anger and rich in love

it's not summer.

but the walls are starting to warm up and i can no longer lean against them lest i wish to enjoy a shower of perspiration.

but today is clear, a cool breath is taking a walk through my house and i find myself still able to sit comfortably in my long pants.

life here, despite my recent trials, has been simply good. not having the same freedoms of mobility i once had the taste of has not left an entirely bitter void behind. these last few weeks have been a season of community in my house as four new volunteers have moved in with in the last month as others left for their home lands. it's surprising easy to avoid the people you live with by simply choosing to be quiet or be confining oneself to the four corners of a bed. yet an energy can't help but be felt when there are so many new souls to explore.

agape home is teaching me how to live up to it's name as i realize more and more how i'm falling deeply in love with the kids. my relationships with them have begun to feel more concrete as even the hardest upsets give me

hope. i look at their faces everyday and just marvel at what insanely bewitching little creatures they are.

working with children can have it's trying moments and learning how to deal with each new situation can be an interesting learning experience to say the least. being involved in a tantrum from the other side of the battle field makes me realize what a terror i was as a child and i constantly feel like i need to apologize to my parents for all they had to put up with. i cringe sometimes at the memories of my insubordination that resurface from time to time. dealing with disciplinary issues can be a touchy subject with people and that doesn't exclude agape home. except in this case there are 14 kids being raised by 50 mothers each with their own standards and ideas as to the best course of action. there have been days when i feel like i could kick puppies [sorry sarah] i was so frustrated. but even though at times i feel at a lose as to what i should do, there is one tiny little verse that keeps knocking at my door:

'the Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love' Psalms 145:8.

...then i remember that well hey, God is the ultimate example. easier said then done, duh.

but it does cut my tongue short when i want to raise my voice and it does remind me to let go and move on. it can be all too easy to hold grudges against a kid when they've pushed my buttons a little too far. but then i realize that even though i may be giving them the stink eye, they've completely forgotten about the whole incident because well, they're 4 years old and now they are sucking on a popped balloon.

all this and i can't help but love them.

plus i may or may not have taught the 5 year olds how to blow spit bubbles [i don't think the nannies appreciated that one].

another plus, my thai lessons are continuing make my jaw sore but little by little i have been able to see progress as i can actually understand maybe 1/5 of what the children as saying to me now.

walking is slow but it gets you there eventually

a step, one after the other

an easy concept but one at times is hard to follow through.

i take these seemingly minuscule moves forward with a slower pace these days as i'm learning that in order to know which plot of ground my foot is to be placed next, i have to be ever so quiet and listen.

so i wait and listen.

i walked in silence along the streets of Pai during first few days of my week off from Agape Home. my friends and i ventured the treacherous curves of route 1095 for 3 days of perfect nothingness. Pai, the little bohemian town i mentioned previously where shops play damien rice and the french toast is good. we claimed the far upper corner of this 140 year old house turned coffee shop and feasted on good coffee and passion fruit cheesecake. i read anne of green gables and found myself longing for oceans shores and romance, two things i haven't given much thought in a long time. the weekend retreat was a much needed time of relaxation as i had been on and off stressed about going to Laos for my visa run that i was to do the day after we returned from Pai.

and so off to laos i went...

even before i left for thailand, there has been a cloud haunting me overhead about what i was to do with my visa and now that my first 3 months were up, it was time to see if all of my planning and research would pay off. the trip to vientiane, the capital of laos, was long and for the most part uninteresting as i spend a majority of my time reading, boggling over the price of food at the airport or slightly fearing for my life as i learned that laos drivers are even crazier than thais.

and though i was still unsure i would get the visa i needed as i turned in my application at the consulate, i decided long ago that what ever happened would be by the will of God and there was nothing i could do about it. leaving all of my visa worries to God did give a settling peace over my mind and heart though it did not brighten my spirits about having to go to laos. so with the visa application in, all i could do was wait till the next afternoon when i would pick up my passport. unfortunately the wait was not an enjoyable one as i did not find vientiane all too welcoming. while looking up things to do in the city, most websites i read were pretty plain when they said there isn't much to do in the capital of laos, and they were right. normally this wouldn't have bothered me so much except that i had already finished my book and i found myself feeling very lonely and awkward in this strange little city. i found myself longing to be back home, the home i had in chiang mai. this feeling however kind of surprised me as i had yet to realize how much thailand had begone to grow and become apart of me and i think this realization alone made the whole trip worth it.

need less to say, i was so overcome with relief when the next day came, bringing with it the visa i needed and another long journey home to chiang mai.

as some may know i was fortunate to get a motorbike right before the holidays. now a motorbike to must people sounds like a ridiculously extravagant expense. however in reality, motorbikes are the main mode of transportation in thailand and having one actually saves me money because the only other forms of travel i have access to are taxis. i live about 20 minuets outside the main city which means it's very expensive to get a taxi let alone being able to find one in the first place.

however...

last weekend, my motorbike was stolen.

stolen before i could even take a picture with it and impress everyone back home with videos of my motorbiking skills. obviously you should be just as disappointed as i am. it was a strange theft seeing as i had parked my bike on a busy and public side road that was crammed with many other parked bikes. anna's mom, esther [my adopted mother, ie i adopted her], took me to the police station to make a report but alas this is thailand and the police are not exactly known for their ability to do...anything.

this whole week has felt very strange as i think about what this all means, why did this happened to me and most of all, what is God trying to tell me through all of this. i haven't felt anger or even frustration and i don't think i will but for the first few days my heart held a sinking feeling as the realization of what going back to a life with out freedom of mobility will mean for me for the rest of my time in thailand.

one of the biggest struggles i have while being here is the feeling of isolation. i live so far from the main city and from my friends that it's difficult to have motivation to go anywhere because it can take so long and be expensive. i only had the bike for three weeks but it was a complete change in life that i'm finding is hard to let go of.

i've talked to a lot of people about the situation in hopes that maybe some one will explain to me what i'm suppose to learn from this but i know i can't get my answers from anyone but but God.

so i'm waiting and trying, trying so hard to be quite and listen.